Join the land of the Big WW!

Well everyone...Momma and I had a nice weekend together recently. We went on a gorgeous tour of the Maple Rock Gardens in Newcastle (which I will highly recommend to anyone next time these people open their doors to the public) and we had a "ladies lunch" at the Auburn Alehouse along with several other hat wearing ladies (we were unadorned). It was a wonderful lunch, great atmosphere and of course the perfect company. Over a plate of Sweet Potato Fries with Red Pepper Aioli (you heard me right....OMG they were good!) we lamented over our lack of weight loss. Shocking I know since that appetizer had to have about a bazillion fat grams and calories but nonetheless...there we were and yes we did laugh at the irony. Mom's main complaint was feeling alone in the dieting world and mine was simply not being properly motivated. Both we realize, are pure excuses and mean nothing in the world of dieting. Its put up or shut up and we've been doing the latter after filling it with food first.

In my mothers defense she is quite an active woman and I honestly don't know anyone who could match her energy for work stamina. The woman NEVER sits down and she's constantly going. I will not defend myself here. She looked at me and said "what do we do". I told her I'd do it if she would and we would work on it together (the way Jen has supported me lately). She agreed and we settled on what I think is the best helper...the good old fashioned Weight Watchers. No crazy fads or anything...just good old fashioned sensible eating and exercise that we could document online. We both thought meetings weren't for us right now so we'll just track online. I also told her about a new show on Lifetime starting Monday nights at 5:00 called COOK YOURSELF THIN!!! We are both going to watch it every Monday night...make the dish that week and report back what we find by Thursday so I can write it up on the blog. Anyone want to join my little cooking club let me know!?!?!

I started promptly the next Monday and so far I am LIKING this Weight Watchers thing. Something about having to put everything in the system and having it calculate it out for me speaks to my Internet obsessed personality. Seeing it on screen and knowing what I have left points wise for the day motivates me and I plan better. Plus you can't cheat and NOT put something down that you ate because who are you fooling...yourself? Come on! I like that I can just pop things in and create the meals that I use to make it more simple in the long run. I've basically eaten what I've cooked for the family each night...just added a few fruits and veggies in place of snacks and reduced my portion sizes to almost HALF. I no longer grab a plate to fill up. Just a small cereal bowl is about the size of my stomach and that's all I need to sustain my hunger. I'm working on not having to feel FULL...just satisfied and no longer hungry. That's a 3 week commitment to retrain my tummy and my brain. Here are my results so far...

Daily Points Allowance - 27
Weekly "Extra" Points Allowance - 35

Monday - Used 23 of the 24
Tuesday - Used 27 daily and 11 of my "Extra" points (had some red wine) Earned 3 Exercise Points
Wednesday - So far only 10 points and 17 left to use (which I won't) and planning a bike ride tonight with Frank...so far so good!

I'm going to call Momma and check in on her tonight. I hope the Internet part hasn't stopped her. If so we're having a tutorial because she IS doing this with me. I'll let you know how it goes and please let me know if you want to join the Lifetime Cook Yourself Thin Club so I can coordinate recipes and thoughts on the experience! Even if you can't take the time to do the meal but want to receive the recipe, thoughts and possible improvements (my family knows I can always make it even better) then let me know and I'll add you to my distribution list!

Aptos Ups and Downs (quite literally!)

Well everyone...I should start off by saying that I had a truly wonderful weekend with Andrea and her girls in Aptos celebrating the Bachelorette party. Everyone was great and we had such a good time laughing, joking, riding rides and of course...eating and drinking. I think its safe to say my diet (and any last few weeks progress) was destroyed. But, I recently spent a good hour or two with Jen on the phone about weight struggles (thanks Jen...I needed it) and I'm going to take her advice and just keep plugging on. And after one TINY incident this weekend I now feel I've got no other choice.

We went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk all day on Saturday. It was a lot of fun because as you all know I'm just a little kid in a big girls body and there is nothing I love more than scaring the hell out of myself on roller coasters and crazy rides! There has never been a ride that could intimidate me and I pride myself on riding EVERYTHING at the park. Halfway into the day every ride had been a blast...hence the ups (especially on the roller coaster...FUN)...and then at the Fire Ball I encountered my down. This particular ride requires you to jump up into your seat, clearing the bump that goes between your legs and once up pulling a U shaped guard down over your head and shoulders until it snaps into place for safety. The ride girl went around testing everyone to be sure they were safely locked in and came to me last. She pushed and pushed (and nearly crushed my chest) and try as she might she could not get it to lock into place. I was simply too fat to ride the ride.

I was completely mortified and could see the very sweet and terrified look on her face letting me know she was going to have to ask me to leave the ride but she didn't know how to tell me. I told her I understood without her having to say anything and said I'd get off. In order to get me out of the seat she had to walk back and reset the whole ride causing everyone's harnesses to re-load and come up. Of course every kid on the ride was griping and yelling because they didn't know why. Then I had to jump my fat ass down off the seat onto the platform and walk away in front of everyone. I can honestly say I've never been more humiliated in my entire life. And I've done PLENTY to humiliate myself over the years. I made it about 50 feet before I burst into tears.

Now for anyone who has ever been on a girls Bachelorette party weekend you know that the cardinal rule of friendship is to do absolutely NOTHING to upset the bride-to-be or cause an uncomfortable moment. It took about a minute or two to quell my sobbing and eventually I was able to stop crying, put on my sunglasses and pull my act together. I watched as Andrea gleefully rode the ride and it was a true joy. She was having a blast...and as it should be. She was happy and beautiful and I love her dearly.

So that being said I guess you can say I've got an entirely new motivation for losing weight and getting healthier. I simply cannot be that person. I can't. If I had to go through life sitting on the sidelines and holding everyone's stuff because I'm too fat to participate in life than I just might as well give up because that's not me. Some people are content to stand back and watch the fun happen but I'd rather be dead than be that dull. So I guess there really isn't another option than to keep trying to lose the weight and just not give up. My talk with Jen this weekend had gone far to help me because weight loss can become easily self centered. It makes you sad, and depressed and feeling very lonely...like you are the only one even when you definitely aren't. She made me remember my sadness affects others too. Those that love me and want to see me better and she knows as well as I do how hard it really is. I guess that's reason #157 to lose weight...not that I should have needed YET another but there it is.

Fire Ball...we will meet again.

The Adventures of Friday Night Frank, Cock Pucker and Sugarpants!

So, went home this weekend with Frankie and Tom and we decided to stop off at the much anticipated "Klondike" in Lakehead for a nite cap. I've said for years I would stop in there at least once for a drink to check it out and we finally did. Its a totally cute and quaint place with lots of old dark wood, dollar bills hanging everywhere with patrons autographs, and a laid back bartender named Don. We had been laughing earlier about my husbands new nickname...Friday Night Frank...given to him by the girls at Atlas Disposal on a rowdy Friday night out a few weeks back. Drinks ordered we were sitting up at the bar when Friday Night Frank got a whif of something and turned to Tom and said "Dude...did you shit your pants?" Tom mistakenly heard his whispers and interpreted it as "Did you just call me Sugarpants?!?!". Of course we were all laughing hysterically (Don included who was listening in with curious intent) and automatically christened Tommy as Sugarpants from now on. Looking around I noticed a sign with the "house" specialty drink. Its a shot made from Hot Cock Bourbon, Apple Pucker, cranberry juice, etc called a "Cock Pucker" and sounded too good to pass up. Since I wasn't driving I ordered one but couldn't bring myself to say "Cock Pucker" to a total stranger. I pointed to the sign and said gimme one of those. This of course, immediately caused Sugarpants and Friday Night Frank to jump in trying everything they could to get me to say the word. I did not but earned the graceful moniker of "Cock Pucker" from here on out. They tried all weekend to get me to say that in front of my mother but I would not...I just can't. There are certain words I will never say in front of madre and that's one of them!

Not much to report on the weight thing this weekend but I was pretty good keeping my portion sizes way down and not overindulging in Momma's good cooking. Though I didn't lose anything this weekend I also didn't ruin any progress by gaining back weight so yeah for me!

Alright folks...Cock Pucker signing out. Rock it!

Long Time No Post

It's been a while since I've posted because my funk had not yet lifted and I'd just be a downer. I'm going home today to see my family and its going a long way in terms of lifting my mood. I'm always so much happier when I'm heading up the hill. As soon as I hit Mountain Gate and start that descent up out of the god forsaken Valley and into the hills I'm a whole new and happier person. Conversely everytime I head back to Sac I'm immediately saddened as soon as we hit Redding. But for now I've got the next three days to spend with my family that I love and miss so much and of course enjoy some of my Momma's great cooking!

Mom's got a way of cooking healthy that still tastes SO good...like you we're splurging and eating something totally bad for you but you aren't. For those who don't know...my mother is an excellent cook and really LOVES healthy food. She always has and really eats healthier than anyone I know. It's kind of frustrating actually because she's struggled with her weight for so long and she doesn't deserve that. She's very active, constantly on the run and isn't the least bit sedentary yet she has trouble losing weight. I wonder sometimes if I've inherited some of that but I'm still at an age where the weight can come off so I have no excuse. I know its harder and harder the older you get so its a good thing that I'm really making a conscious effort to start now. My most notable change has been in my portion sizes. I've cut them back quite a bit and it doesn't even bother me now. I was pretty peckish at first and kept wanting to snack but I'm over it now. A lot of times I'm not even hungry when its time to eat. That's a really positive step for me because GIRL CAN EAT!

That's not something to brag about anymore and kind of reminds me of a line from Gone With the Wind. Mammy is trying to get Scarlett to eat before the BBQ and she tells her "I is told ya and told ya that you can always tell a lady by the way she eats in front of folks like a bird and I ain't aimin' for you to go to Mr. John Wilkes and eat like a field hand and gobble like a hog!" Smart lady Mammy was...and a hell of an actress. And I guess if I don't want to continue to look like her I'd better keep up her advice. Time to go to Weed and pop in GWTW with my mom and sis...then take a long walk afterwards. I always love walking around Shastina with Mom. We have some of the best talks then. I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll try to post more next week. Much love and happiness...signed, Eatin' Like a Bird!

Diet Blues

I'm not really sure why but I've been in a funk a lot lately. All day Sunday it was all I could do to keep from curling up into a ball and crying. Today isn't much better. To top it off I think the diet blues are making it worse because I can't seem to shake a craving for McDonald's french fries and a chocolate shake. Both will pass...they always do, but right now its a very heavy feeling and I can't help but think cheating on my diet would give me a little lift. Which means that I have an unhealthy relationship with food because I use it to solve problems and give myself a boost. No news there really. I've always responded to emotions by controlling food. When I was skinny and angry I controlled it by what I didn't eat. Now that I'm fat and feeling sad I'm trying to use it to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I wonder how women handled these types of issues before everyone was forced to become so damn self aware? And how come BEING self aware doesn't change anything? We know what is wrong with us. We acknowledge our short comings and problems...and yet we're still immersed in the emotional cavern they create. Maybe it was easier when we didn't know WHY we do the things we did...we just DID them. And then took a valium with two fingers of Jack Daniels before falling comatose into bed. Oh yeah...that's why we don't do that anymore.

Holy crap...I'm a mindless eater!

I realized something about myself today...I'm a mindless eater. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. If I am engaged in something and food is adjacent I will eat without even realizing it. Disturbing. I'm the queen of internet researching diet tricks and I know that its a major no no to eat in front of the TV or while doing another activity because your brain disconnects from the eating experience and you will consume more than you need to. Knowing this...why is it I still found myself doing it today? I'm armed with TONS of diet tricks and tips and just know better.

I'm not feeling well and have had a wicked cough since Christmas that I can't shake so I worked through lunch today hoping to get off early. I had only a salad in front of me which was good but I was working too. Instead of stopping and focusing on the salad I mindlessly plowed through it too quickly (another no no) and didn't even realize I was done! When this occured to me I instantly felt sick and angry at myself for not using better sense. Now I just feel blah and unhappy with myself. I think I'll hit the SPCA on the way home and socialize the cats. The animals never fail to make me feel better. God bless their sweet litttle souls.

Update!

Well, I am very, very grateful to report that we found the guy who hit Sammie and that he DOES in fact have insurance so that's ONE stress relieved. I really just need to relax a bit and get out of Roseville for the weekend but that's not going to happen for at least a few weeks. The kids both have a dance and parties afterwards Sat night so you KNOW there will be NO fun for the parents until they are safe at home. Next weekend is Adele's bday dinner with the girls and I am totally looking forward to that. We're going to that organic bistro on Eureka and I'm excited about that. So that leaves the weekend of Valentines Day. I know most people can't understand this but I think I'll block that weekend out and take Frank camping down at Verona. We can have a very romantic time down there on the river and I plan to do it up with a nice dinner, candles...the works. We really, really need it. I can just SMELL the stress on him lately and I feel the same way.

I read somewhere that stress makes it harder to lose weight. I think this must be true because I've been pretty darn good and even though I'm down a size (YIPPEE FOR ME!!!!) I can almost sense the weight "holding on" like a dog with a bone. I'm determined though. I have a dress I want to wear to my Grandma's bday and I HAVE to get into it by June. Its not super sexy or anything. Just a goal and its the cutest hippie chic dress from the Berryvale Health Food Market in Mt. Shasta. Stress be gone PLEASE...I need to get into that adorable frock. Sigh.

The Nights Are Long and the Days are Many...

When you're on a diet and trying to deal with your ever changing life that is. I have been unable to post the last few days because the past two weeks have been a completely unreal constant barrage of life changing and emotionally difficult events. In the space of the last two weeks we've found out that I'm losing my health benefits and half of my salary by being reduced to part time. I've been applying to everything in my field (and many outside) and haven't received even ONE call back. Joshua rear ended someone (only going about 5 mph but it still counts) and she was complaining of neck soreness...great...just waiting to hear from the lawyers on that one. My daughter had a friend who tried to commit suicide and the ramifications of that fell like a wrecking ball on our household for the next week complete with tears, rage and every other emotional drama imaginable. Finally, Samantha was involved in a hit and run accident this morning. A man in a white Toyota Tacoma side swiped her scraping the entire passenger side of the Honda then took off like a bat out of hell. Thankfully a woman stopped to help and offer her name as a witness to the cops so we know Sammie isn't at fault. It's a deductible to pay none-the-less and I'm pretty darn sure Samantha doesn't have that kind of change to plunk down for the repairs. That is if they don't total the car which would suck because its been in my family since 1996 and we know its a well taken care of and reliable vehicle. They don't pay insurance $ for that.

So needless to say I am more than a little stressed and pretty much getting a little tired of dealing with life right now but we will get through it like everything else. It's more than just a bit easy to want to dive into a bag of Doritos right now...God knows I need some comfort food. But I roasted a turkey Sunday and have lots of fresh, low fat breast meat waiting for me on my wheat sandwich. Very tasty I'm sure but right now I'd really love a hot bowl of chili with cheese and onions instead of a cold sandwich. I think I'll pop out to the store for a Progresso low fat soup to eat with my sammich. Should help a little. Now if only I could get a thirsty-two-ouncer Jack and Coke to go with it. No? Well...I tried.

Catch Up Post...

The weekend was very busy and Tuesday was full of what mattered most...the inauguration! I cannot begin to express how wonderful I felt watching President Obama being sworn in and listening to that amazingly inspirational speech. He is obviously very, very powerful as a speaker and has the capacity to stir millions with his words. Now...to watch, hope and pray he puts these words into action.

That being said my weekend went well. I spent all day Saturday at the SPCA and helped a little grey and white long haired cat named Annabelle get adopted. She's spunky and had lots of energy which was good for a house with kids who want to play. It felt great helping her find a home. I stayed right on track all day Saturday and Sunday too though I did have a small baked potato with my dinner. The worst part was craving a Dairy Queen M&M blizzard! I haven't had one since I worked at TLC and yet I'm craving it like no one's business. Last night about 11:00 pm I probably would have knocked over a DQ to get one. I'll have something small and chocolaty to curb the craving but I've had to deal with it nonetheless. I'm learning by documenting this process that I'm very controlled by my cravings. I don't want to overindulge but I definitely find my mind being preoccupied by something very, very specific. It's odd and I'd like to know why. It's not like I think "gee I could really go for something sweet right now". It's "OMG...I want a Club Sandwich with bacon, all the veggies, toasted wheat, no mustard, extra pickles and dill potato salad...not sweet but dill on the side" kind of specific. I'd be interested to know how it is my brain works that causes me to be so neurotic about food because if I don't get what I want exactly the way I want it I'm disappointed and frustrated. Silly thing but its showing itself in my blog so obviously its something to think about and address.

Well, off to do some more soul searching and maybe even a little self analysis. I could really go for a G Street Deli turkey sandwich on a croissant right now, no tomatoes with sprouts to eat while laying down on my Tijuana souvenir blanket in Capital Park to reflect and watch the power walkers go by on a warm spring afternoon. SEE...there I go again! Urg.

Diet Schmiet...this is a breeze!

Well...at least today it was. It's only been a week or so but today wasn't one of those crazy craving hungry all day I'll eat anything I can get my mitts on kind of day. I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast, some pretzels for a snack, and for lunch a chicken burrito with a wheat tortilla and LF cheese and lots and lots of water. Dinner is a chicken salad and I think I'll make it through the night without a food related meltdown. I know me...if I can get through two successful weeks and the first 10 pounds then I'm on a roll and there's almost no stopping me! I say almost because I lost 25 pounds last year and when barely no one even noticed I got discouraged and gave up. Stupid move on my part but I was hurt and dug into the cheez-its face first with two fists. Whew...bad memory.

I have two more dog training classes tomorrow at the SPCA and I'm preparing properly by packing a lunch and snacks so there will be no 10 minute dash to scrape up some food and wolf it down (hehe...pun intended). I will be active with the dogs ALL day long and have a dinner party to go to that night. Hopefully I can find good choices there so cross your fingers for me. First time at their house eating and I'm not sure if they cook for health or pleasure. We'll see! I plan on a light snack before heading over just in case. See...it's all about the PLAN. The plan that says I can!!! Gotta love a little rhyme once in a while.

Soda Fix!!!

I'm having major soda withdrawals today. I don't even drink that much anymore but for some reason when I get the craving it plagues me like divorce rumors plague Jlo...and it won't go away either. There is just something about the crisp pop sound of a new soda and the burn I feel when it goes down my throat, making my eyes water and setting my burp reflexes into motion. Charming I know but I love it and nothing feels better than a good 7Up burp. Though I don't know from experience (I swear) I kind of liken the experience to what cranksters feel...something about the "drip" down the back of their throat. I don't know for sure...may just be my drug education according to "Boogie Nights" but I think that's what they call it. Anyway, I WANT a soda so bad right now and I'm just going to march my happy ass over to the cooler and get some more water. I had my roasted almonds for an afternoon snack and its really triggering my thirst. Water Angie...think WATER! Where's Adam Sandler and that damn high quality H2O when you need him?!

To scale or not to scale...that is the question!

I tend to be a little obsessive compulsive when I get really involved with something and getting on the scale when I'm in weight loss mode can be one of them. I want to jump on the scale first thing in the morning, every morning to obsessively check if I've lost even an ounce. This happens, of course, completely naked, sans any jewelry, after using the ladies room and before I've drank my morning glass of water....we wouldn't want the scale to think any of that was actual body weight now would we! Anyway, I'm trying to control my OCD tendencies so the thought is to weigh myself once a week like they do in weight watchers and have a little celebratory party in my head.

I noticed yesterday that my size 18 jeans were gapping a little in the back and that's of course a sure sign that I'm rapidly shedding weight right? Of course not. It's the obligatory 5 pounds of water weight that we inevitably shed in the first week of a diet. Regardless of that I broke my once a week weigh in promise and jumped on the scale. I'm 202 today and even though I know its just H2O I'm still doing a little happy dance because water or not...I'm three pounds away from at least being under two bills. Its not much but hey, I'll take it. Day by day is the only way to go right now and so every little pound is going to get a goodbye party from me. Hasta la vista 205...hola 199 just around the corner!

A Weekend of Challenges

This was both a wonderful and a challenging weekend for me. To begin with I started my volunteer training at the Placer SPCA. I won't bore everyone with everything I learned (which was considerable) but suffice to say I had a BLAST and I truly, truly love it. I leave that place so happy and beaming like a 6 year old a Chuck E. Cheese. There are some amazing animals there. But this blog isn't about them. It's my diary about getting healthy. Well, mistake #1 on Saturday...I did not get up early enough for breakfast before having to be at the SPCA by 7:50 and mistake #2...the first series of training ran over and I only had 15 minutes to find and to eat lunch. Mental note: I've got to spend more time planning ahead on healthy meals. It's too easy to get busy and grab something quick that isn't the best choice I can make. I didn't do badly with what I could do but it could have been better. Plus side was I was active all day so that's great. Plus, once my training is complete I'll be spending about 5 hours a week walking the dogs and getting in LOTS of exercise. These are not little itty bitty step dogs. They're big dogs with lots of energy who love to run so a workout will be had by both of us. Sunday was a run around day and I got to visit Darl and Jenny's baby Ethan. He's SO cute and fell asleep on my chest. I'm in love. Frank and I managed a healthy sushi meal I got too busy Sunday night putting a puzzle together with Sammie (who's genius at it...girl is FAST) so I forgot to eat. But I was active and busy all weekend so that's a good thing. No loafing around for me right now. Get up, get busy and get moving!

Day one and counting....

See...I told you I'd post the pic. I feel like Chunk doing the truffle shuffle in Goonies. NICE!

First off let me thank everyone for your beautiful words of love and encouragement. It is appreciated much more than you know. In fact its day one of my journal and I've already cried three times. I'm a baby I know but I was greatly touched by everyone and was even given some guidance by BFF Ruth by way of Oprah about looking beyond just diet and exercise and into myself which I took to heart. I could barely read the email as my eyes welled up with tears of gratitude and love. With her advice in mind I sense a few soul searching journal entries ahead. Sigh...

Today has been an insane start to my journey. I woke up late (even though I had adequate sleep) which always frustrates me because I swear I could sleep forever if I was allowed. When am I going to be one of those grownup's that just wakes up at a normal time?!? Urg. I had a very mandatory and very stressful meeting at my job today and rushed out of the house with the lunch I made last night (thank god) and a yogurt with fruit. Unable to get breakfast in before the meeting I had to wait until the first break of the 4 hour marathon meeting I was in. By 10:00 I was dying of hunger and had to pee like nobodies business. I'm increasing my H2O to help flush toxins and stay hydrated. That's great when you've got time to pee but not when you're stuck in a meeting. Our meeting leader...I'll just call him the Marquis de Sade...gave us just 5 minutes for our break! I can't even get out of the meeting room, to the bathroom and back in 5 minutes let alone grab my yogurt to eat! Warning here...if you are late back from breaks they make you sing in front of the entire staff. No thank you. So I chose...pee my pants in the meeting but get my yogurt or continue to starve and alleviate the pounding in my bladder. In the interest of not being labelled as the chick who whizzed in the TQM meeting I chose the latter. I was hungry yes...but at least I was dry.

So there we go with day one. I'm hoping to visit our friends Jon and Aimee at the Mackwood's later. They're in from Texas and I can't wait to see them. I'll be sure to have some healthy protein and veggies before I go and stay close to the bathroom. I'm sure their beautiful 3 year old Mia would let me borrow some pullups if I found myself in the same position as this morning but I think I'll just stay by the loo and retain some semblance of my dignity that was almost lost in the Alpha conference room of Comtek earlier in the day. See you all tomorrow!

Hold my breath and count to three...

One, two, three....I weigh 205 pounds. There, I've said it and now I can't take it back. I am 34 years young, only 5'3" and I currently weigh 205 friggin' pounds. This is my reality, has been for the last 4 years and now I have decided to face it. I mean ugly face it people. No jokes, no excuses, no hidden bravado. Just facing the fact that I am medically considered obese and I have only myself to blame. So here we go.

First off, this is not a pity party or an attempt at some kind of perverse attention. I simply know myself, my limits, and my motivation with regards to my weight as I have been on both ends of the scale at many points in my life. And I have come to two conclusions: I manage my weight best when I am #1 under a deadline and #2 being held accountable. Hence the blog. So I will be writing (as much as possible at least) about my experiences, successes and failures in order to hold myself accountable to the person who matters most...ME. It's slightly self-masochistic I realize, but hey...if it works than who cares how I got there, as long as I arrive happier and healthier than I am now.

Here's the dealio...my grandmother turns 75 in June and I would like to visit her and my family with a little less wiggle in my walkaway. Since that's 23 weeks away and its safe to lose approximately 2 lbs a week I'm looking at dropping around 45 pounds by then. Doable I think with a balanced diet and exercise. No crash dieting, no pills, no crazy meal plans. Just good old fashioned smart sense meal choices and exercise. So if you're tuning in to see some crazy fat lady starve herself and make herself crazy with Dexatrim then look elsewhere. I'm just here to document the process, use my love of writing to express myself when I need a boost and ultimately...to stop hiding from the world.

As proof of this commitment I will be posting (won't load today...not sure why) the most recent and hideous picture I have of myself for the world to see. It represents my camels straw so to speak. I asked my BFF Adele not to put any more pictures of me on her Facebook page because I was too embarrassed to have people see me this way. It occurred to me how absurd I was being and that if I'm ever going to get passed body loathing to body loving then I have to deal with this reality. So, I have unlocked the comments to the blog and feel free to dish on anything. Good or bad. I'm ready to take it and to grow from the experience of putting my imperfections out there for the world to judge. People will one way or another anyway so I might as well get something out of it right?

Well folks, drop by from time to time and comment if you like. I guess I'm doing this for myself more than anything...sort of a cyber journal and record of my journey...and whether or not people do is of no consequence. I'll be here though and I hope you'll help me out by taking the time to read my posts and maybe even send a little love and encouragement my way. Time to put on the Nike's and start this long road up out of hell.

Love, hugs and shoes...Sweetassgal!