Aptos Ups and Downs (quite literally!)

Well everyone...I should start off by saying that I had a truly wonderful weekend with Andrea and her girls in Aptos celebrating the Bachelorette party. Everyone was great and we had such a good time laughing, joking, riding rides and of course...eating and drinking. I think its safe to say my diet (and any last few weeks progress) was destroyed. But, I recently spent a good hour or two with Jen on the phone about weight struggles (thanks Jen...I needed it) and I'm going to take her advice and just keep plugging on. And after one TINY incident this weekend I now feel I've got no other choice.

We went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk all day on Saturday. It was a lot of fun because as you all know I'm just a little kid in a big girls body and there is nothing I love more than scaring the hell out of myself on roller coasters and crazy rides! There has never been a ride that could intimidate me and I pride myself on riding EVERYTHING at the park. Halfway into the day every ride had been a blast...hence the ups (especially on the roller coaster...FUN)...and then at the Fire Ball I encountered my down. This particular ride requires you to jump up into your seat, clearing the bump that goes between your legs and once up pulling a U shaped guard down over your head and shoulders until it snaps into place for safety. The ride girl went around testing everyone to be sure they were safely locked in and came to me last. She pushed and pushed (and nearly crushed my chest) and try as she might she could not get it to lock into place. I was simply too fat to ride the ride.

I was completely mortified and could see the very sweet and terrified look on her face letting me know she was going to have to ask me to leave the ride but she didn't know how to tell me. I told her I understood without her having to say anything and said I'd get off. In order to get me out of the seat she had to walk back and reset the whole ride causing everyone's harnesses to re-load and come up. Of course every kid on the ride was griping and yelling because they didn't know why. Then I had to jump my fat ass down off the seat onto the platform and walk away in front of everyone. I can honestly say I've never been more humiliated in my entire life. And I've done PLENTY to humiliate myself over the years. I made it about 50 feet before I burst into tears.

Now for anyone who has ever been on a girls Bachelorette party weekend you know that the cardinal rule of friendship is to do absolutely NOTHING to upset the bride-to-be or cause an uncomfortable moment. It took about a minute or two to quell my sobbing and eventually I was able to stop crying, put on my sunglasses and pull my act together. I watched as Andrea gleefully rode the ride and it was a true joy. She was having a blast...and as it should be. She was happy and beautiful and I love her dearly.

So that being said I guess you can say I've got an entirely new motivation for losing weight and getting healthier. I simply cannot be that person. I can't. If I had to go through life sitting on the sidelines and holding everyone's stuff because I'm too fat to participate in life than I just might as well give up because that's not me. Some people are content to stand back and watch the fun happen but I'd rather be dead than be that dull. So I guess there really isn't another option than to keep trying to lose the weight and just not give up. My talk with Jen this weekend had gone far to help me because weight loss can become easily self centered. It makes you sad, and depressed and feeling very lonely...like you are the only one even when you definitely aren't. She made me remember my sadness affects others too. Those that love me and want to see me better and she knows as well as I do how hard it really is. I guess that's reason #157 to lose weight...not that I should have needed YET another but there it is.

Fire Ball...we will meet again.