Holy crap...I'm a mindless eater!

I realized something about myself today...I'm a mindless eater. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. If I am engaged in something and food is adjacent I will eat without even realizing it. Disturbing. I'm the queen of internet researching diet tricks and I know that its a major no no to eat in front of the TV or while doing another activity because your brain disconnects from the eating experience and you will consume more than you need to. Knowing this...why is it I still found myself doing it today? I'm armed with TONS of diet tricks and tips and just know better.

I'm not feeling well and have had a wicked cough since Christmas that I can't shake so I worked through lunch today hoping to get off early. I had only a salad in front of me which was good but I was working too. Instead of stopping and focusing on the salad I mindlessly plowed through it too quickly (another no no) and didn't even realize I was done! When this occured to me I instantly felt sick and angry at myself for not using better sense. Now I just feel blah and unhappy with myself. I think I'll hit the SPCA on the way home and socialize the cats. The animals never fail to make me feel better. God bless their sweet litttle souls.

Update!

Well, I am very, very grateful to report that we found the guy who hit Sammie and that he DOES in fact have insurance so that's ONE stress relieved. I really just need to relax a bit and get out of Roseville for the weekend but that's not going to happen for at least a few weeks. The kids both have a dance and parties afterwards Sat night so you KNOW there will be NO fun for the parents until they are safe at home. Next weekend is Adele's bday dinner with the girls and I am totally looking forward to that. We're going to that organic bistro on Eureka and I'm excited about that. So that leaves the weekend of Valentines Day. I know most people can't understand this but I think I'll block that weekend out and take Frank camping down at Verona. We can have a very romantic time down there on the river and I plan to do it up with a nice dinner, candles...the works. We really, really need it. I can just SMELL the stress on him lately and I feel the same way.

I read somewhere that stress makes it harder to lose weight. I think this must be true because I've been pretty darn good and even though I'm down a size (YIPPEE FOR ME!!!!) I can almost sense the weight "holding on" like a dog with a bone. I'm determined though. I have a dress I want to wear to my Grandma's bday and I HAVE to get into it by June. Its not super sexy or anything. Just a goal and its the cutest hippie chic dress from the Berryvale Health Food Market in Mt. Shasta. Stress be gone PLEASE...I need to get into that adorable frock. Sigh.

The Nights Are Long and the Days are Many...

When you're on a diet and trying to deal with your ever changing life that is. I have been unable to post the last few days because the past two weeks have been a completely unreal constant barrage of life changing and emotionally difficult events. In the space of the last two weeks we've found out that I'm losing my health benefits and half of my salary by being reduced to part time. I've been applying to everything in my field (and many outside) and haven't received even ONE call back. Joshua rear ended someone (only going about 5 mph but it still counts) and she was complaining of neck soreness...great...just waiting to hear from the lawyers on that one. My daughter had a friend who tried to commit suicide and the ramifications of that fell like a wrecking ball on our household for the next week complete with tears, rage and every other emotional drama imaginable. Finally, Samantha was involved in a hit and run accident this morning. A man in a white Toyota Tacoma side swiped her scraping the entire passenger side of the Honda then took off like a bat out of hell. Thankfully a woman stopped to help and offer her name as a witness to the cops so we know Sammie isn't at fault. It's a deductible to pay none-the-less and I'm pretty darn sure Samantha doesn't have that kind of change to plunk down for the repairs. That is if they don't total the car which would suck because its been in my family since 1996 and we know its a well taken care of and reliable vehicle. They don't pay insurance $ for that.

So needless to say I am more than a little stressed and pretty much getting a little tired of dealing with life right now but we will get through it like everything else. It's more than just a bit easy to want to dive into a bag of Doritos right now...God knows I need some comfort food. But I roasted a turkey Sunday and have lots of fresh, low fat breast meat waiting for me on my wheat sandwich. Very tasty I'm sure but right now I'd really love a hot bowl of chili with cheese and onions instead of a cold sandwich. I think I'll pop out to the store for a Progresso low fat soup to eat with my sammich. Should help a little. Now if only I could get a thirsty-two-ouncer Jack and Coke to go with it. No? Well...I tried.

Catch Up Post...

The weekend was very busy and Tuesday was full of what mattered most...the inauguration! I cannot begin to express how wonderful I felt watching President Obama being sworn in and listening to that amazingly inspirational speech. He is obviously very, very powerful as a speaker and has the capacity to stir millions with his words. Now...to watch, hope and pray he puts these words into action.

That being said my weekend went well. I spent all day Saturday at the SPCA and helped a little grey and white long haired cat named Annabelle get adopted. She's spunky and had lots of energy which was good for a house with kids who want to play. It felt great helping her find a home. I stayed right on track all day Saturday and Sunday too though I did have a small baked potato with my dinner. The worst part was craving a Dairy Queen M&M blizzard! I haven't had one since I worked at TLC and yet I'm craving it like no one's business. Last night about 11:00 pm I probably would have knocked over a DQ to get one. I'll have something small and chocolaty to curb the craving but I've had to deal with it nonetheless. I'm learning by documenting this process that I'm very controlled by my cravings. I don't want to overindulge but I definitely find my mind being preoccupied by something very, very specific. It's odd and I'd like to know why. It's not like I think "gee I could really go for something sweet right now". It's "OMG...I want a Club Sandwich with bacon, all the veggies, toasted wheat, no mustard, extra pickles and dill potato salad...not sweet but dill on the side" kind of specific. I'd be interested to know how it is my brain works that causes me to be so neurotic about food because if I don't get what I want exactly the way I want it I'm disappointed and frustrated. Silly thing but its showing itself in my blog so obviously its something to think about and address.

Well, off to do some more soul searching and maybe even a little self analysis. I could really go for a G Street Deli turkey sandwich on a croissant right now, no tomatoes with sprouts to eat while laying down on my Tijuana souvenir blanket in Capital Park to reflect and watch the power walkers go by on a warm spring afternoon. SEE...there I go again! Urg.

Diet Schmiet...this is a breeze!

Well...at least today it was. It's only been a week or so but today wasn't one of those crazy craving hungry all day I'll eat anything I can get my mitts on kind of day. I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast, some pretzels for a snack, and for lunch a chicken burrito with a wheat tortilla and LF cheese and lots and lots of water. Dinner is a chicken salad and I think I'll make it through the night without a food related meltdown. I know me...if I can get through two successful weeks and the first 10 pounds then I'm on a roll and there's almost no stopping me! I say almost because I lost 25 pounds last year and when barely no one even noticed I got discouraged and gave up. Stupid move on my part but I was hurt and dug into the cheez-its face first with two fists. Whew...bad memory.

I have two more dog training classes tomorrow at the SPCA and I'm preparing properly by packing a lunch and snacks so there will be no 10 minute dash to scrape up some food and wolf it down (hehe...pun intended). I will be active with the dogs ALL day long and have a dinner party to go to that night. Hopefully I can find good choices there so cross your fingers for me. First time at their house eating and I'm not sure if they cook for health or pleasure. We'll see! I plan on a light snack before heading over just in case. See...it's all about the PLAN. The plan that says I can!!! Gotta love a little rhyme once in a while.

Soda Fix!!!

I'm having major soda withdrawals today. I don't even drink that much anymore but for some reason when I get the craving it plagues me like divorce rumors plague Jlo...and it won't go away either. There is just something about the crisp pop sound of a new soda and the burn I feel when it goes down my throat, making my eyes water and setting my burp reflexes into motion. Charming I know but I love it and nothing feels better than a good 7Up burp. Though I don't know from experience (I swear) I kind of liken the experience to what cranksters feel...something about the "drip" down the back of their throat. I don't know for sure...may just be my drug education according to "Boogie Nights" but I think that's what they call it. Anyway, I WANT a soda so bad right now and I'm just going to march my happy ass over to the cooler and get some more water. I had my roasted almonds for an afternoon snack and its really triggering my thirst. Water Angie...think WATER! Where's Adam Sandler and that damn high quality H2O when you need him?!

To scale or not to scale...that is the question!

I tend to be a little obsessive compulsive when I get really involved with something and getting on the scale when I'm in weight loss mode can be one of them. I want to jump on the scale first thing in the morning, every morning to obsessively check if I've lost even an ounce. This happens, of course, completely naked, sans any jewelry, after using the ladies room and before I've drank my morning glass of water....we wouldn't want the scale to think any of that was actual body weight now would we! Anyway, I'm trying to control my OCD tendencies so the thought is to weigh myself once a week like they do in weight watchers and have a little celebratory party in my head.

I noticed yesterday that my size 18 jeans were gapping a little in the back and that's of course a sure sign that I'm rapidly shedding weight right? Of course not. It's the obligatory 5 pounds of water weight that we inevitably shed in the first week of a diet. Regardless of that I broke my once a week weigh in promise and jumped on the scale. I'm 202 today and even though I know its just H2O I'm still doing a little happy dance because water or not...I'm three pounds away from at least being under two bills. Its not much but hey, I'll take it. Day by day is the only way to go right now and so every little pound is going to get a goodbye party from me. Hasta la vista 205...hola 199 just around the corner!

A Weekend of Challenges

This was both a wonderful and a challenging weekend for me. To begin with I started my volunteer training at the Placer SPCA. I won't bore everyone with everything I learned (which was considerable) but suffice to say I had a BLAST and I truly, truly love it. I leave that place so happy and beaming like a 6 year old a Chuck E. Cheese. There are some amazing animals there. But this blog isn't about them. It's my diary about getting healthy. Well, mistake #1 on Saturday...I did not get up early enough for breakfast before having to be at the SPCA by 7:50 and mistake #2...the first series of training ran over and I only had 15 minutes to find and to eat lunch. Mental note: I've got to spend more time planning ahead on healthy meals. It's too easy to get busy and grab something quick that isn't the best choice I can make. I didn't do badly with what I could do but it could have been better. Plus side was I was active all day so that's great. Plus, once my training is complete I'll be spending about 5 hours a week walking the dogs and getting in LOTS of exercise. These are not little itty bitty step dogs. They're big dogs with lots of energy who love to run so a workout will be had by both of us. Sunday was a run around day and I got to visit Darl and Jenny's baby Ethan. He's SO cute and fell asleep on my chest. I'm in love. Frank and I managed a healthy sushi meal I got too busy Sunday night putting a puzzle together with Sammie (who's genius at it...girl is FAST) so I forgot to eat. But I was active and busy all weekend so that's a good thing. No loafing around for me right now. Get up, get busy and get moving!

Day one and counting....

See...I told you I'd post the pic. I feel like Chunk doing the truffle shuffle in Goonies. NICE!

First off let me thank everyone for your beautiful words of love and encouragement. It is appreciated much more than you know. In fact its day one of my journal and I've already cried three times. I'm a baby I know but I was greatly touched by everyone and was even given some guidance by BFF Ruth by way of Oprah about looking beyond just diet and exercise and into myself which I took to heart. I could barely read the email as my eyes welled up with tears of gratitude and love. With her advice in mind I sense a few soul searching journal entries ahead. Sigh...

Today has been an insane start to my journey. I woke up late (even though I had adequate sleep) which always frustrates me because I swear I could sleep forever if I was allowed. When am I going to be one of those grownup's that just wakes up at a normal time?!? Urg. I had a very mandatory and very stressful meeting at my job today and rushed out of the house with the lunch I made last night (thank god) and a yogurt with fruit. Unable to get breakfast in before the meeting I had to wait until the first break of the 4 hour marathon meeting I was in. By 10:00 I was dying of hunger and had to pee like nobodies business. I'm increasing my H2O to help flush toxins and stay hydrated. That's great when you've got time to pee but not when you're stuck in a meeting. Our meeting leader...I'll just call him the Marquis de Sade...gave us just 5 minutes for our break! I can't even get out of the meeting room, to the bathroom and back in 5 minutes let alone grab my yogurt to eat! Warning here...if you are late back from breaks they make you sing in front of the entire staff. No thank you. So I chose...pee my pants in the meeting but get my yogurt or continue to starve and alleviate the pounding in my bladder. In the interest of not being labelled as the chick who whizzed in the TQM meeting I chose the latter. I was hungry yes...but at least I was dry.

So there we go with day one. I'm hoping to visit our friends Jon and Aimee at the Mackwood's later. They're in from Texas and I can't wait to see them. I'll be sure to have some healthy protein and veggies before I go and stay close to the bathroom. I'm sure their beautiful 3 year old Mia would let me borrow some pullups if I found myself in the same position as this morning but I think I'll just stay by the loo and retain some semblance of my dignity that was almost lost in the Alpha conference room of Comtek earlier in the day. See you all tomorrow!

Hold my breath and count to three...

One, two, three....I weigh 205 pounds. There, I've said it and now I can't take it back. I am 34 years young, only 5'3" and I currently weigh 205 friggin' pounds. This is my reality, has been for the last 4 years and now I have decided to face it. I mean ugly face it people. No jokes, no excuses, no hidden bravado. Just facing the fact that I am medically considered obese and I have only myself to blame. So here we go.

First off, this is not a pity party or an attempt at some kind of perverse attention. I simply know myself, my limits, and my motivation with regards to my weight as I have been on both ends of the scale at many points in my life. And I have come to two conclusions: I manage my weight best when I am #1 under a deadline and #2 being held accountable. Hence the blog. So I will be writing (as much as possible at least) about my experiences, successes and failures in order to hold myself accountable to the person who matters most...ME. It's slightly self-masochistic I realize, but hey...if it works than who cares how I got there, as long as I arrive happier and healthier than I am now.

Here's the dealio...my grandmother turns 75 in June and I would like to visit her and my family with a little less wiggle in my walkaway. Since that's 23 weeks away and its safe to lose approximately 2 lbs a week I'm looking at dropping around 45 pounds by then. Doable I think with a balanced diet and exercise. No crash dieting, no pills, no crazy meal plans. Just good old fashioned smart sense meal choices and exercise. So if you're tuning in to see some crazy fat lady starve herself and make herself crazy with Dexatrim then look elsewhere. I'm just here to document the process, use my love of writing to express myself when I need a boost and ultimately...to stop hiding from the world.

As proof of this commitment I will be posting (won't load today...not sure why) the most recent and hideous picture I have of myself for the world to see. It represents my camels straw so to speak. I asked my BFF Adele not to put any more pictures of me on her Facebook page because I was too embarrassed to have people see me this way. It occurred to me how absurd I was being and that if I'm ever going to get passed body loathing to body loving then I have to deal with this reality. So, I have unlocked the comments to the blog and feel free to dish on anything. Good or bad. I'm ready to take it and to grow from the experience of putting my imperfections out there for the world to judge. People will one way or another anyway so I might as well get something out of it right?

Well folks, drop by from time to time and comment if you like. I guess I'm doing this for myself more than anything...sort of a cyber journal and record of my journey...and whether or not people do is of no consequence. I'll be here though and I hope you'll help me out by taking the time to read my posts and maybe even send a little love and encouragement my way. Time to put on the Nike's and start this long road up out of hell.

Love, hugs and shoes...Sweetassgal!